I don't know where to start on this blog post. This is something that I don't really talk about much, not even to my oldest friend, I think this is because I don't want to hurt them I suppose. I mean this post is to help you reading this; you might be someone who want's to know more about self-harm and depression or you might just want to read this to make yourself feel better. Whoever you are this post might just help you. I want you to know that it does get better, it might not take long or it might take 20 years but it does get better. I know because it got better for me; so be it because I was put into hospital because of what I did. But that is a whole different story.
I have looked around the internet for good websites that would help you if you was feeling down, or if you was a parent/guardian who wants to know more, I have found the following websites that may help you, some websites are better for a parent/guardian point of view as well as a person who is going through/gone through self-harm or depression. I hope that what I am about to tell you will help you as well as these websites.
Self-harm - NHS Choices - This explains a lot about why people do it, so this would be a good website for someone who want's to understand it. It also has different links within the page so if you are unsure of that particular word you can click on it and it explains what they mean when saying that. It also has a video that you can watch which is very interesting in informative to watch.
Mind - Self-harm - This website yet again explains what self-harm is, and why some people do it. It also has different pages within that website that you can click on and download a PDF file onto your computer and have a read, it offer's help for someone who is self-harm it also offer's treatment and support, help for family and friends and useful contacts. I like this website as it links in Blogs that other people have done about their stories about self-harm and how they went and got help.
Depression - NHS Choices - This explains a lot about what depression is like the website I also linked about Self-harm - NHS Choices. It is very good for parents/guardians. This also has a very interesting video that explains a lot more.
Mind - Depression - This website is very informative, and would recommend that you go over and download the PDF file that explains about depression, it also has different pages that tell you about the symptoms, causes, self-help treatment and support, how can friends and family help, useful contacts and a video that you can watch. It is very good for people who are going through it, been through it or parents/guardians that don't really understand.
I hope the above websites help you understand a bit more of self-harm and depression, there are so many websites out there that explain what they mean and why people do it and why people get depression but I thought that these two websites were the best ones as they offer loads of information and they even offer videos for you to watch to understand more.
My story:
This all started for me soon after my Granddad died, I was so lost and I had no one to talk to. My boyfriend finished me 3 days after my Granddad died so the only person I had to turn to, turn on me. I was lost, I couldn't talk to my mum because she is one of them people that tell you to get over it and move on, like it's no big deal, so I held it in, I was on my own. I didn't want to worry my dad because he didn't live with me anymore, so he couldn't have helped when I needed a hug or a cuddle to make me feel better. I think when my Granddad died and my boyfriend left me it topped it all off, what I was feeling and what I went though, it just kick started what I was feeling all along. I started to harm myself, by drinking a lot, every weekend or sometime every night I would do this because I wanted to forget about my problems and forget what I was feeling. This is when I lost a lot of my friends, and I pushed everyone away because to me they wouldn't understand what I was going through - but how could they? I wouldn't talk to them; I would just tell them I was fine and move on with my life. I left home and went to University and this when it started to get bad because yet again I had made a tit out of myself with my drinking again which made people in my halls not like me very much which in turn meant I was on my own; I was eating my lunch and tea on my own in my room, I was forever alone apart from 6 other girls that really helped me from time to time, if it wasn't for them and the other people I didn't think cared I wouldn't be here today. I took 52 paracetamol I took it with alcohol because I didn't want to be in this world anymore, however something came over me and I Facebook'ed someone that was still awake in my halls and asked them to take me to the main building where someone could ring me a ambulance and take me to hospital. I was home within 2 days after throwing up the content of the pills I had taken and after being re-hydrated with drips, nobody really knew how to talk to me after that so yet again I was on my own apart from them 6 girls that saw me for me. However one night I was sitting on my own - it was in November - And I was drinking and drinking and drinking until I can't really remember, however I do remember texting one of the girls saying "goodbye" and they ran over and saw me hanging off the stair well, now much after this I cannot remember because I had passed out, I just remember someone saying "not yet Roxanne" and waking up. I then was in an ambulance and I started laughing, because this is the only thing I could do, I am sure the girls that came with me thought I was a bit mad, I wasn't it was the only thing I had left in me, I didn't want to feel anymore and I ended up hurting them very much. I so wish I could still speak to them and they speak back but I hurt them too much. After being at home for a week, I had to go back to university, with my mum and dad not on my own and I had to talk to someone about how I was feeling and why I did it, I didn't want to do that. Soon after this I dropped out of University and moved back home, it took me all of 2 days to pack up my things, I left everyone a note and explained myself to them. I hope they were understanding of what I was telling them. On the anniversary of my Granddad's death I went out and I got very drunk and yet again I tried to hang myself again, this time my mum caught me so I ran into my bathroom locked myself in and cut my arm with a razor. I was rushed into hospital again and my mum really didn't understand after she told everyone she was going to understand me and listen to me. She still doesn't to this day because it has been nearly a year now and I haven't done anything like that again, I got help, I started talking to my friend, writing things down and that light got bigger and bigger. Right now I am in a really good place. It just takes time. Hard work, determination and time. All I remember is feeling the dark emptiness when I wasn't happy, nothing could make me happy, nothing. I was in a very dark place and I couldn't see the light, and having no one there not even my own best friend - who is my mum btw *cough* - was heart braking, if I told her I was feeling sad she would tell me to get over it, she never understood then and she sure as hell doesn't really understand it now, but she understands it a lot better than what she used to. All I am saying is that I got out of that place, I did now you can do it too, with a little help from friends and family or a complete stranger you will get out of it, I promise.
I hope that this has helped you, if I can do it, you sure as hell can do it as well. I hope that it has helped you in some way - I have only shared my story so it helps others I am not looking for attention or for people to feel bad for me, or to leave me nice comments I am in an alright place right now, you just have to remember it's okay to have bad thoughts now and again, but you have to be the stronger person and not act upon them thoughts. I have been told exericing is a good way to make yourself feel good as it makes you concentrate on a different sort of energy that you don't use to hurt yourself.
Please share this around if you think it might help someone, inform someone or even help someone stop doing what they are doing. I ask you just to do that.
Remember that it get's better. It really does!
LOVE
XXX
